The highest point of the sun hit my yummy rabbit choclate as that hit the choclate rabbit melted in the sun. I was very angry with the sun’s temprechure which melted my yummy chocolate rabbit. My friend was very angry with me because she had gave me it for Easter. I said it wasn’t my fault but then she said it wasn’t your fault I apoligise because I shouted at you a little bit to much today.” Do you forgive my sin?” she said.
” Of course I do forgive your sin as soon as I am your friend” I riplied to her. Do you think I really forgive her………………………………….
CEOP
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Zahra, I’m really pleased that you have entered the 100 Word Challenge again. I love how you describe the position of the sun in your first sentence. You’ve also used dialogue to move your story on. Remember to read through your work and check your spellings, there are one or two mistakes that you may have been able to revise.
Hi Zahra
Well done for writing a story about the chocolate rabbit. It’s good that you have used speech in your story, as that helps to bring it to life.
If you read your story again carefully, you will see that you have repeated a lot of words and phrases. Next time, you could use those extra words to expand your story a bit more, and give some more description instead of saying the same thing twice!
Don’t forget to check your spellings before you post – see if you can spot the mistakes!
Hi Zahra, thank you for entering your 100WC. It was nice to see that although the friends fell out with each other they soon became friends again – I just hope she did forgive her
Leaving a cliff hanger at the end of your piece of writing is a great way to capture your readers interest and make them want to read more – well done!
Next time try reading your story out loud – it might help you to see any punctuation and spelling errors.
I hope you keep entering the 100wc and I look forward to seeing how your writing progresses.
Mrs McGuinnity (Team 100WC)